As I approached my senior year of high school, I felt a bleak emptiness within my own soul. A year prior to this point in my life, I lost my grandfather, with whom I felt closest over anyone else in my life. Clearly, it would have been easy for me to blame God for such a tragedy, but frankly, I knew such an idea couldn’t be further from the truth. As life moved on without him, I lost my closeness with God, and while I desperately wanted it back, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was simply unworthy of even speaking to Him.
Throughout my senior year, I participated in every church event I could (youth group, community service, religious education classes, etc.), but I still felt a distance between God and me. No matter how often I went to church or how often I volunteered for parish activities, nothing made my relationship grow. Personally, I knew the answer, and it was prayer. However, I just could not force myself to pray. Every time I did, I felt so artificial. I knew I prayed because it was expected of me, not because I actually wanted to pray. Not only that, but why did I deserve God’s time, anyway?
Months of this constant internal battle passed, and this mission trip to Haiti I had volunteered for was approaching quickly. Unfortunately, the closer it got, the more nauseated I felt. While my family and friends felt excitement and joy for me, I felt complete and utter guilt. Why was I going on this trip to glorify God, if I barely talked to Him anymore? What could I even offer these Haitian children? How dare I even take advantage of such a wonderful program simply to fulfill a lifelong goal of mine (to go on a mission trip)?
These questions kept me awake at night, and when the day arrived for me to step on the plane to fly to Haiti, I was consumed by my own guilt. Nerves also got the best of me, for I had never been on a plane, let alone to another country, before this trip. Needless to say, I was filled with dread and not the full-blown excitement everyone around me felt.
So, we successfully make it to the school, and immediately, I am greeted by a young girl. Leading up to this trip, I had tried to memorize some Haitian Creole phrases to do some talking with the children.
“Koman ou rele?” I nervously ask. She shyly smiles back and tells me her name is Nancy. At that moment, I realized that I didn’t have much to fear on this trip. Clearly, these children were excited for us, and while I had not a clue about the type of environment I was in, an overwhelming sense of calm overcame me.
Throughout the trip, I witnessed an incredible amount of pure, unadulterated love and joy. Slowly, I began speaking to God, and I could feel an undeniable spiritual presence with me. Days passed, and my conversations with God grew in length and deepened in emotion. Suddenly, after a “spiritual drought” of a year and a half, I no longer felt unworthy of speaking to God. In fact, I felt a closeness with Him I had not felt in an even longer time.
To this day, I realize that Haiti is what rebirthed my faith in God. When I looked into the faces of the children for English class, or I watched their radiant smiles beam during musical chairs, I could see the face of God. Nothing inspired me more than to hear the laughter of these beautiful children and to witness their growth after only 11 days.
Haiti also helped me realize the beauty in simplicity and the greatness of God’s love and will. While many would like to believe Haiti is far from perfect, I can say I saw the Kingdom of Heaven in the bustling streets of Haiti. Towering palaces and gold encrusted sidewalks do not signify happiness; far from it, actually. In Haiti, I witnessed the worst poverty I'd ever seen, and yet, only laughing children and smiling parents accompanied this place. Children found fun in a soda cap, which they would kick around for an intense game of soccer. Needless to say, these children outplayed me a thousand times over. Along with that, the parents and older siblings would watch with complete pride, unable to hide their own happiness for their growing young ones. Being immersed in so much love and joy, it was hard to deny the presence of God and His Kingdom.
To this day, I have never felt more at home than I did when I was in Haiti. For me, I always had felt that my modest West Virginia town would hold the greatest sense of home in my life, but now, I long for my home in Haiti. West Virginia may have been my first love, but Haiti is my true love.
After my mission work in Haiti, I think it could have been easy for me to fall victim to a new sense of guilt: one of being too unappreciative and realizing I take too much for granted. However, I lived the last year of my life up to that point fearing God and living with the guilt that I did not deserve His unconditional love. Within hours of meeting us, the children of Les Bons Samaritans Elementary School showed my mission group and me a kindness one could never find here in the States. Prior to this trip, I felt I had more to offer the Haitian children than they could offer me. However, I could never have been more wrong. They provided me with a love and a kindness I had never experienced, and now, I live day-to-day trying to share that love with the rest of the world.
Quite frankly, Haiti needs to be saved and needs a lot of kindness and help from all of us right now. Such a kind population is a rarity in this world, and we must do all that we can to preserve it and spread its likeness. I can assure you that if it were the other way around, the people of Haiti would be the first to step in and provide support. If you can donate, please do! If you do not have the means to donate, no worries! Simply share this site with all your friends and family, and please, send as many prayers and as much love as you can! Truly, it will be what saves the world.
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